Tuesday, October 13, 2015

"how to forget and forgive" challenge

There comes a time which you want to reverse something. There comes a time when you want to repair what you didn't mean to. There comes a time when you want to put it back in better condition. But, it's a time. It's not something, it's not a thing, but a time, moments, which you won't be able to reverse something. It's like some old sayings, what's already happened, just happened, nothing you can do to repair it. True. Definitely!

You will regret something. You will regret why you did that or regret why you spill your guts that time. May, you wanted to express it, but you did a little bit "too much". You regret it. You wanted it to be like that, but it turned out to be like this. You wanted to understand but it became misunderstanding. All of those lead into worse scenarios. 

I have a lot of time feeling like this. Because I'm kind of person who couldn't move on easily, couldn't let go of hard times easily. I'd like to hold that things, my hard times. But, it's a bad thing, It's not good. It's either become grudges or fears. For me, it becomes fears, It's hard for me to fight that bad memories (I'd end up regretting and push myself hardly). I kept push myself, that I couldn't do that, because that person will go mad like the past (eventually it's not always true) - See, people will react different than their past, but me, I'm still struggling, holding that past memories, my fears, which eventually will turn the table even worse. 

I'm not that great comforting someone or make another different topics to help them sort out our misunderstanding. I'd end up saying a lot of random and unnecessary conversations which were so boring. Stuck and no expectations at all. Regretting and couldn't do anything. Unforgettable and always live beneath in my mind. Those hard times. I live with them till now. I live with them as I couldn't express my mind peacefully and carefully. It's not only I don't want becoming their burden but also I can't express what's on my mind easily. - Like something hold my mind, not to tell them, having my own imagination about how they react-which actually will not be their response 

My brutal kind of thinking. My hard time pushing myself on the limit. It's boring to talk about that. I'm regretting and can't reverse anything. Then, here I am, still on the same site, still on the same boat, still hold that principle, and still

One of my last year resolution was "reflect yourself and see what's your want around period of times, see the other people's mind and mood as you see on yourself". Well, I did that. I really did that. I reacted calmly, watching the situation carefully, saying all the advice properly without hurting their feeling (in my point of view-). But, I think it's not the case, it seems that I'm to dull to do that. Yeah, I admitted that I'm less affection towards other, care less towards someone I love. But, for me, that reflection, my last year resolution, I did that poorly. I did like what I wanted, but it didn't turn out well. I'm still leaking. And I, I still hurt those people. 

Do I have to push my mind until I'm being absent-minded? Do I have to let go of my hard time, so I could show my affection towards them? Do I, do I, do I?

Zulfa, I H

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