Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Yes, I am

I'm just gonna be realistic right now. And, all of the things that I want to tell you is none other than "depend only on yourself and nobody else". It's a sentence which derive from "for you, from you, and because of you". In this world, there are so much mean things that will happen towards you, but there will be such nice things that will happen towards you. It's all about the up and down of life. We as a human being tend to be 'very happy' when it comes to 'all of your works are paid off' but it will be like 'nightmares' when things don't go well. Yes, it's like basic instinct. And we have emotion, that we couldn't help it but release it maybe with anger, silence, or maybe tears. But, from those things we can learn from the good one and even the bad one, so that we can make wiser decision later. 

But, as long as it takes ages, you won't have any rage, silence, and tears that much again. It's like you've met your climax point. When you, as yourself and for yourself, can't get any help from anyone but from your own. You have to rise up, even though alone. But, when you've finally passed it. That kind of feeling "the joy feelings, you can't help but you will be tougher, stronger, and happier. Tougher, because you realize that you can overcome those difficulties with your own strength. Stronger, because just by yourself, the issues can be solved. And be Happier, because all of those hard feelings finally can be paid off. 

I'm not talking like I always be that kind of girl. But, what I'm talking is I'm at the point that I just can believe and trust myself. Maybe in the past or till now, I just face a lot of those difficulties, till I can't take all of those in my brain and make my heart burst out. Like sometimes, I'm gonna cry and make my chubby cheeks go even chubbier because of all of the swollen face. I believe in myself, do the things for myself, and get my payment for myself. It's like what I'm doing and what I want to do, only me who know that. I'm at the point that talking to someone else make me think twice, because it may give them burden or simply I just don't want to hear their suggestion. Because it's me and sometimes suggestions only give me hard feelings and headache. Because, sometimes they give their suggestion based on their personality. And I'm not the same. Or, they give me their suggestions but they never do the works like what they said. 

Yes, I am. I am very stubborn person. I am very ambitious person. And I always give my everything to get something that I want the most. Though it may give me pain, make me suffer, losing appetite, more introvert, keep in silence, and be in my own world. I don't know why I have those personalities, like keeping me from all of those people that may care for me. But I feel a lot easier when I do my things by myself. Maybe, because I spend my times far from the helps from my parents or my brother or friends. My father once told me, that being a girl doesn't give me a reason to be a dependent woman. If you can do by yourself, then do it. I keep that in my mind, till now. Though, my friends offer hand for me. I just walk straight by my own, do that thing. And sometimes, that's why i'm losing contact with my friends. It's not that I don't care anymore for them but I don't want to give the burden.

Yes, maybe I want a lot of things as a girl, as a human being. I have a lot of demand for myself. And yes, sometimes it's hard living a life like that. Sometimes, you want to lean on someone. But, later while I'm doing things like that, I realize again. That it's not good to become such a cry and spoil girl like that. And a while back, a man from the past told me that being a girl, being a woman, sometimes you have to show that kind of character, letting your man do your things, and not closing your burdens too much. But, once again I denied that argument, but the funny thing is I'm still close to that man. 

That one man told me, that I'm being so introvert even towards my own family. That I never told anyone about my worries, my difficulties, my problems, and stuffs in my mind. He told me to let my ego down, to let them who care about me, help me. Any help will do. Appreciate them. He also told me that "Zulfa, don't live a life like you are the only one that live. You always give helps towards people beside you. You never say 'love' but you do the 'action'. And it's simple, let them give their owe towards you. Let them, ride along with them". Yes, I always remember those times, he told me to lean over him, but I never did that. He let me cry beside him if I want to, but I never did that. I was just showing my meticulous side, my strong side, hide my weakest side though he knew it. Until now, with our little chat, sometimes I'm giggling to myself. I can't forget you, not the feeling but the learning. You teach me something that I have take those as notes till now. 

Yes, I am. I'll try to open my heart. To let someone help me. To reach me. But as far as I'm concerned, I will do my best too. Doing my very best along with the people that care about me.


Insani Zulfa

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