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Thursday, October 29, 2015

What a lovely difference - Part 1

Hello universe!

Apa kabar? How's life? Sudah cukup lama saya melalui hari-hari tanpa bercuap-cuap di mini-website yang saya miliki ini. Ya, hampir 1 bulan 14 hari, saya pergi merantau di negeri orang, dengan budaya baru, orang baru (yang belum dikenal sebelumnya, atau bahkan dekat sebelumnya), dan terlebih lagi, cara belajar yang baru. 
Menurut saya, memang terlihat bahwa begitu banyak perbedaan antara negara kita dengan negara maju, mungkin yang saya bahas disini, adalah Inggris (ya, salah satu alasannya adalah karena saya mengalaminya). Tetapi, begitu banyak perbedaan tidak berarti tidak ada persamaan, masih ada beberapa hal yang sama antara dua negara dengan jarak puluhan ribu kilometer ini. 
Pelajar dari Indonesia, banyak berkata bahwa sistem belajar di negeri orang terkadang dan terkesan jauh lebih mudah, lebih enak dibandingkan di Indonesia. Menurut saya, 75% memang begitulah adanya, begitulah keadaannya (secara umum dan kasarnya). Well, sekarang persoalannya adalah, dengan sistem edukasi yang bisa dibilang lebih angel (sulit) di Indonesia, kenapa outcome atau dalam hal ini mungkin SDM kita jauh berbeda? Mengapa bisa begini? 

Beberapa hal yang menjadi refleksi diri untuk saya sendiri beberapa minggu terakhir ini dan mungkin salah satu faktor yang bisa kita pakai untuk memperbaiki diri kita, teman, keluarga, dan tentunya Bangsa Indonesia.

1. Simple or complete lecture note?

Apabila mau dibandingkan, lecture note atau PPT, disini sangat sedikit dibandingkan dengan PPT yang diberikan dosen sewaktu saya menempuh kuliah di Indonesia! Cukup poin-poin penting, tanpa ada penjabaran! Disinilah perbedaannya, disini kita diharuskan untuk memahami bukan menghafal. Apakah maksudnya ini semua? Saya diberikan kesempatan untuk membuka lebar-lebar isi otak saya, mengharuskan saya membaca setumpuk buku tebal dan melakukan referensi terkini mengenai teknologi-teknologi terbaru di bidang saya. Well, experiment and experience will always be the best teacher for you. Menurut saya, akan lebih baik bila mahasiswa didorong untuk menimba ilmu, memperkaya ilmu, dengan usahanya sendiri. Menurut saya sendiri, dosen merupakan penyalur bagaimana kita bisa mengetahui ilmu-ilmu baru, tetapi bukanlah tugas mereka untuk memberi tahu kita seluruh informasi ataupun pengetahuan yang beliau miliki. Terapkanlah, bahwa kita menginjak bangku kuliah, paling tidak diatas umur 15 tahun, yang hal itu berarti kita sudah cukup besar dan sudah mampu untuk berusaha dengan apa yang kita miliki.


2. Lecture time

Sebelumnya, saya menempuh pendidikan untuk mendapatkan gelar sarjana di UGM (hampir seluruh universitas memiliki peraturan yang sama).  Dimana, saya harus kuliah dari pagi (jam 7) sampai siang (at least jam 11/jam 1 siang). Selesai kuliah, saya diharuskan mengikuti praktikum dari jam 1 siang sampai dengan jam 4 sore (paling cepat-terkadang bisa sampai jam 6 atau jam 7 malam), dan ini bisa saya lakukan hampir setiap hari, dari hari Senin-Jum'at. Total saya kuliah 8-9 jam per hari. Ini tidak termasuk masih banyaknya tugas perkuliahan dari dosen, laporan praktikum, presentasi atau bahkan aktivitas organisasi.
Sedangkan, disini saya kuliah hanya dari jam 9 pagi sampai 11 siang. Kemudian jam 2 siang sampai 4 sore. Total kuliah 4 jam per hari. Tanpa praktikum dan waktu kuliah tidak full dari senin-jum'at.

Apa bedanya? Walaupun waktu kuliah, sit in lecture memang hanya 4 jam, kita dibekali dengan "silahkan belajar mandiri". Inilah, tantangan sebenarnya. Saya boleh saja berdiam diri di dorm ataupun ke library untuk membaca dan melengkapi materi kuliah saya. Saya diperbolehkan pergi ke laboratorium (secara mandiri). Semua jadwal, terserah saya. Semua deadline, terserah saya. Tidak akan ada dosen yang mengingatkan deadline ujian, deadline tugas, atau menjelaskan kisi-kisi materi ujian. Mereka hanya memberi rekomendasi tentang buku yang baik. Dan saya bisa mencarinya atau tidak sama sekali. As i said, it's my decision, whether I want to stroll around in the bed or in the library.

3. Bacalah buku! Baca dan baca!

Well, this isn't the first time that you will ever hear this phrase. Ini memang membawa banyak manfaat untukmu nantinya. Jangan hanya membaca buku untuk mencari 1 atau 3 paragraf dalam menulis reports. Bacalah secara menyeluruh, karena disitu kita akan paham seluruh info yg ingin penulis sampaikan ke pembaca (secara menyeluruh, tidak separuh-separuh). Bukankah kamu ingin mendapatkan sesuatu hal secara utuh dan bukannya setengah atau sepertiganya? 
Membaca sendiri  dari buku atau jurnal (tanpa penjelasan dari orang lain aka dosen atau teman) bisa sangat membantu saya atau mungkin kamu untuk memahami seluruh materi atau informasi. Kita bisa mencernanya memahaminya bukan hanya mengingatnya (memorize something is good, but, it's better to understand). Kalau bisa dibilang, dengan pemahaman, bobot kamu memang unggul 90-100%.

4. Bekali dirimu dengan tulisanmu!

Walaupun harga stationery atau buku disini sangat mahal, tapi, mungkin inilah yang membuat orang-orang disini lebih doyan menulis. Dengan menulis, curahan pikiran atau ide mereka bisa tersalurkan dan tidak hanya mampir sejenak di otak. At least, if you write down your thought, you can remember what it is again when you simply forget about that
Bagaimana menulis yang baik? Bagaimana prosedurnya? Adakah syaratnya? TIDAK! Tidak ada syarat menulis yang baik. Yang ada adalah bagaimana karyamu tulisanmu bisa membuat orang lain yang membacanya paham akan maksud dan tujuan yang ingin kamu sampaikan. Well, you don't want to write something that only you who understand about those writings, do you?
Cobalah menulis yang sesuai dengan apa yang hendak kamu katakan secara lisan. Bukan sekedar tulisan yang bertele-tele, atau ngalor ngidul. Tetapi, straight to the point. You can write your thoughts with simple explanation but logical reasons
"lebih baik memulai menulis (membuat sesuatu) daripada hanya sekadar membaca dan berkomentar mengenai karya orang lain, karena, bukankah lebih baik memberi daripada diberi?"
Cobalah lebih dan lebih banyak menulis. It's better late than never. It's better to keep practicing than comment towards other people's work.


Mungkin, saya hanya bisa bercuap-cuap, mengeluarkan apa yang saya pikirkan dalam bentuk tulisan. Saya berharap tulisan saya bisa menjadi salah satu tulisan yang bisa membantu anda untuk refleksi diri dan secara sedikit demi sedikit meningkatkan kesadaran kita semua untuk membangun Indonesia ke arah yang lebih baik. Silahkan menanggapi, menyanggah, ataupun memberikan saran. 


Salam,

Zulfa

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

"how to forget and forgive" challenge

There comes a time which you want to reverse something. There comes a time when you want to repair what you didn't mean to. There comes a time when you want to put it back in better condition. But, it's a time. It's not something, it's not a thing, but a time, moments, which you won't be able to reverse something. It's like some old sayings, what's already happened, just happened, nothing you can do to repair it. True. Definitely!

You will regret something. You will regret why you did that or regret why you spill your guts that time. May, you wanted to express it, but you did a little bit "too much". You regret it. You wanted it to be like that, but it turned out to be like this. You wanted to understand but it became misunderstanding. All of those lead into worse scenarios. 

I have a lot of time feeling like this. Because I'm kind of person who couldn't move on easily, couldn't let go of hard times easily. I'd like to hold that things, my hard times. But, it's a bad thing, It's not good. It's either become grudges or fears. For me, it becomes fears, It's hard for me to fight that bad memories (I'd end up regretting and push myself hardly). I kept push myself, that I couldn't do that, because that person will go mad like the past (eventually it's not always true) - See, people will react different than their past, but me, I'm still struggling, holding that past memories, my fears, which eventually will turn the table even worse. 

I'm not that great comforting someone or make another different topics to help them sort out our misunderstanding. I'd end up saying a lot of random and unnecessary conversations which were so boring. Stuck and no expectations at all. Regretting and couldn't do anything. Unforgettable and always live beneath in my mind. Those hard times. I live with them till now. I live with them as I couldn't express my mind peacefully and carefully. It's not only I don't want becoming their burden but also I can't express what's on my mind easily. - Like something hold my mind, not to tell them, having my own imagination about how they react-which actually will not be their response 

My brutal kind of thinking. My hard time pushing myself on the limit. It's boring to talk about that. I'm regretting and can't reverse anything. Then, here I am, still on the same site, still on the same boat, still hold that principle, and still

One of my last year resolution was "reflect yourself and see what's your want around period of times, see the other people's mind and mood as you see on yourself". Well, I did that. I really did that. I reacted calmly, watching the situation carefully, saying all the advice properly without hurting their feeling (in my point of view-). But, I think it's not the case, it seems that I'm to dull to do that. Yeah, I admitted that I'm less affection towards other, care less towards someone I love. But, for me, that reflection, my last year resolution, I did that poorly. I did like what I wanted, but it didn't turn out well. I'm still leaking. And I, I still hurt those people. 

Do I have to push my mind until I'm being absent-minded? Do I have to let go of my hard time, so I could show my affection towards them? Do I, do I, do I?



Zulfa, I H

Thursday, July 2, 2015

A preference

People will have to choose whether they want to share their moments with others or not. They want to share it or bury it with their own. Some people tend to share whatever on their minds, bad or good, they just want to share with everyone. While some others, like to bury whatever they have or do, on their own. It's all about preference. What do you prefer? Share or hide it.

And what do I prefer? I prefer to do whatever on my own. I prefer to think about my feeling alone. But as I grow older, I tend to think that it's better if I share my happiness with others. Why do I keep my happiness, if there will be a lot more people who feel that happiness? And I try to share my happiness, little by little, I change myself slowly. Maybe it will make other feel the convenience. Well, I still think it's better to share happiness, isn't it??

However, sometimes, it seems that people want to know about your life so much. It's a little too much until you find it so annoying. Furthermore, people seem want to know more about the dark side, your sadness, your gloomy days. They will ask you questions which force you to answer it. But me? I still hold my preference. I don't like giving statements to person which don't know about me at all. I keep my sadness and try to think about the solutions by myself. Well, a lot of people don't like that. They think that I should share about my pain, just to reduce my hard feeling. And I resist that, I don't like giving burdens to others, so sorry :( 

Yeah, everything has its risk. And I take my own risk. It leads to others think that I'm such a public enemy. Why? Because there were several bad rumours about me, yet I never denied nor explained it. Somehow, I felt pathetic in those times because I couldn't hold up and stand for my own. But, public has their own way to understand the situation. They will always believe in such rumours without verify or look deeper onto that. That's why rumours will always give you much weight whether you can keep it up or not.

I had those worst conditions twice, I kept by myself. And twice, I was being a coward who couldn't protect my own self. They called me anything they liked, they ditched me, and made me cried a lot. But thank you, I learned a lot. I learned who my real friends are and how to handle that worst situation.

"As time goes by, a lot of things will happen. Through good time and bad time, people will learn, so they can make wiser decision"

Warmest,

Zulfa 

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

A reflection

Hello, readers! How's life? I hope you have a good one. Some problems don't mean bad, but think about those as a lesson. And some incredible things don't mean that you have to be so proud of yourself, but take it to make others feel those happiness, share it, and I believe you will feel double happiness.

Maybe some of you think that you have a boring life, while some others think that they live a beautiful life. While some others think they lead a life in such ridiculous way, when others they live in serious way. Well, as I said, it depends on you, it will always depend on how you take your life for.

A reflection, sometimes people need that. People need it to reflect their attitude not their personality. May some people made you live a hard life which you had to stand strong, and struggle alone. But, be grateful, you had one step forward, to reflect that you don't need to have those behaviour. Don't keep the behaviour which you can make other feels miserable. I think it's not wise. And I think, it's not wise too if you treat others like your past treat you. You can have those defense towards your past, but I think it will be wiser if you don't take those defense on how you treat your today's people or future's people.

When you hear cruel words which those are mean to you, like 
"It's weird if people bla bla bla or blu blu blu"


Well, it's true, even your very best friend or boyfriend or family may know your condition, but back at one, it's all coming back to you who understand yourself better than anyone. But, i think it'll be better if you aren't arguing about those things. Because it looks like put oil into a flame, which will make a direct flame towards you. And not all of the things in this world, have to understand you all the times. Just let it be, not all silence means you accept the condition, but it may prove that you are not spoilt person.
And as for me, I'll keep those mean words to my own. Keeping as my reflection, not because what they talk is the truth, but why i have to force my condition and my argument to the people who don't know me instead of judge me. But, maybe, I'll cry on my own, hugging my pillow tightly, and scream as loud as I could. Well, maybe it won't disturb other if I do so. But, don't be afraid, if you say mean words to me, I'll try not take your favor, I'll keep my good behaviour to you. I'll try and I'll keep trying. And this is not just words, I'll take it in my action too.

Everything that comes around in this life, try to figure it out from other point of view. If they can't do that, maybe you can just do it. Why are we have to become mean person if being nice person is better?

Warmest regards,

Zulfa

Friday, May 8, 2015

Lullaby

When you feel lost, when you feel about something you don't really understand. And when the word like "may" comes stronger than "will".But not only that, it's a time when holding your own principle and living your life seems wrong. In this mean time, just wanna deep breath, take a look at the stars, listen to some old songs (perhaps the old lullaby), and rest your head

"Sometimes, all you need to do is listen to your childhood's lullaby, and simply remember those nice memories. No need to ask better anymore"


 So, be thankful with everything that you have,
warmest,

Zulfa

Saturday, March 7, 2015

The devil wears glasses

I'm watching a movie right now, and the story is like this.....

There was a girl. She's a very care and bright girl, who always do anything in a clear mind for her love one. But something happened. Something that forced her too much, which she felt like being pushed too much. And so, she came back, finally. into a very different person. With new mind set, new soul, and new heart. Don't ask her  about that care girl! That care girl had gone too far. A girl that once cared too much for everyone and everything. No longer cared at all. She turns to be a very hateful, spiteful, and baddest girl.

And then, she lured someone. Someone that supposed not to be taken of. Someone that's already taken. She found him, in a good way. She found him, like a long lost child, who will longing to him all day long. She found him like she face herself. Like God's putting a mirror to her and watch herself out, through that man. And in the times, she knew about that fact, the fact about that taken man. She learnt it slowly, she tried to let go of the heart, and she tried to close the heart once again.

She, learnt it solos. She talked to herself a lot. That devil, only mumbled to herself. That devil, only cried alone. That devil, wanted to take out her life. She cried and cried, she asked herself, that once she felt doubt to fall in those situations but keep on doing that. She, with all that powers left, only hate herself even more. She, with the whole world changing, wanted to runaway. Alone, with no one in her current life knowing. She wanted to start a new fresh beginning. Let go the past alone. Let go the past that full of questions. A past with entitled her with being "the third wheel".

But, she. only remained on that state. No move, after all. She lived with that man and pretending nothing happen. It killed her heart. It killed her sanity. She became a fully devil,who doesn't care about other's feeling. About, her own feeling later, if something bad might happen. She walked that path, she cried through that path, and she calmed herself down lonely.

And then the girl that had the taken man, came. She didn't know what really happened, and that's why the devil walked away. Walked away from that frame of life. She walked away on her own. She walked away without that taken man knowing, She, cried once again. She began to reminiscence her past.  How came her life turned out to be like that. She only asked her questions to that taken man in the thin air, in her sleepless night. She might feel a lot more burdens on her shoulder. But she had taken a vow, that no matter what will happen to her fall with that man, she would never interfere his business with her first angel. She would definitely let herself remained in silence.

The devil got her lessons, the devil understood the situation. And now, she only keeps thing to herself. Without no one knows, what really happen to her. She doesn't want to bring anyone in her life again. At least, for now.  She starts to like enjoying the lonely life. She's starting that life, in this moments.

How about you? Do you ever feel like being that kind of person? And finally, I tell you this. Don't ever judge a person, you don't know about their past nor about their goal. Just try to live beside them, try to enjoy their life. 


stay or go, whatsoever



Insani Zulfa


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Yin and Yang

There will always come a time like this. A moment like this. A moment when you feel disappointed, angry, sad, or anxious because things didn't turn out like what you want or seems like it wouldn't turn out like what we wish it would. In times, it often happens because we expect those things too much. We give them too much hopes. We give them too much spaces in our heart, mind, and soul. And it's not good. It's toxic. 

In life, things happen beyond our imagination. Things happen like our brain couldn't always reach those. May, for sometimes, things happen uncontrollable and we feel it's so unbearable. We as a human being only create those opportunities, make it through our own best efforts, make it our best shots, and leave the rest to God. So let it be. Things will come alright if we prepare ourselves to anything that might happen. It's good to have positive imaginations but it's also good to redeem ourselves by thinking what's negative outcomes that might happen too. Try to live in balance

Because life, isn't always about a win-win. Life isn't perfect, neither are we. Don't push your mind into believing that things will run out perfectly too. It's killing you, dear. Softly and slowly. God creates us so that we create something good, make it better in times, but never force us to make things be the best. Neither are we, we're never being forced by God to become the best person but being our own best version. It means, try to do what it's good and leave the bad. Only that. Simple, isn't it? God let us live a very simple life so don't make it complicated, sweetheart. 

We always seek the opportunities, make every solution which outrageous. But, God always has the best plans for us. So enjoy the ride and live your joyful life. People may come and go, may change and remain the same. Accept it. Let it flow through your vein of life. Go through it. Let yourself grow and become mature so that you can become a better version of yourself each and every day, with our without the support from the people that we wished we would always have. Because we live, and sometimes we lose but also gain people in our lives. Don't ever make your life become miserable. Because, maybe, we also don't have enough space for too many people in our hearts, we also don't have enough strength for things to be thought in our brain. 


Live your life, which you will always feel content, tolerant, and grateful


Regards,


Insani Zulfa 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

24 hours in 3 hours

Yesterday, I did an English Test Simulation with someone, just called it he. Apparently, we had the test at Semarang and we rode all the way from Jogja to Semarang by motorcycle. And only in one half day we did that journey! Crazy, isn't it? 

We started that journey from 8 am, without having a breakfast and we rode faster enough to passed Magelang and Temanggung only in 1,5 hours. Because his growling stomach, we decided to rest for a bit. We had a little snack to fill up our empty gastric, hahahahaha. And I decided not to take any coffee beverage, imagine that maybe I'll get exhausted from the journey later and taking a coffee will make my health even worse. So, said it only 15 minutes we spent at the rest area, having a little chit-chat, we kicked the road again to go to Semarang. 

Yups, at Ambarawa, he teased me to go back to my hometown, Salatiga. How about that? How about we took some times at your home and let you drive your car? In my mind told me, "How am I supposed to do that? How can I have a courage to drive, at least again??" We closed that argument, and passed all the Ungaran's road and finally SEMARANG!! I'm not good at remembering the road's name, the way to go to some place, but Thank God, we arrived safe and sound at Crown Plaza Hotel where the simulation test was being held. 

Because we only had our simple outfits, we changed our clothes first at the toilet. Hahaha, and for me I took some times because I had this "girly's month" and I had to put back my make up. Hahahaha. While I was doing that, he'd already signed in his name and got the time lists. And whaddup! We had to do the test from 12.00 to 18.00. I was wondering, how we would go back to Jogja at that time. But time is time, and we like we've been vowed to do the test. At least, that's my only way to help him understand "that test gonna be". I couldn't afford to help him get the test if it didn't free like yesterday. And at very least, we want to get away from this country soon. At least, for now. 

In the first section, we had listening test. And surprisingly, it's a little bit more difficult than my test back one year ago. And my empty stomach really disturbed my concentration. I only assured of my answer 75% from that section. But once again, because it might be his first time having a test like that, he almost messed up his answer. Supposed he wanted to write the 25's answer, instead he wrote it on the number 24's line. I found it funny actually, but we had to being serious when we get that kind of test, so I made him take a note, so that he wouldn't get that same mistakes again.

After that, finally, we had our brunch!! Ah, our long awaited meal! Finallyyeeeeehhh!!! We discussed it with a bunch of chit-chat about the past. How I didn't want to get into "Pesantren" and how he lived that kind of life before, with a full lists of regulations. Haha, while he was telling me that, I spoke to myself that I wanted that kind of life, but only for some moments. I think that I had that kind of life, maybe I'd get another experiences. Ha!

We finished our meal, and back to the test scene. Yeah, we had our reading test and writing test. Hahahahahaha. The whole reading test was much more easier than my real test back then. But the writing test, emm should I say, that It's not hard but trying to get therasaurus words at those sentences were rather hard. Hahahaa. 

After all, the clock had been set up at 6 pm. After we finished praying, definitely we went outside from that hotel and went to the parking lot. We were so surprised that it's raining, wondering how our helmets would be. And tadaaaaa. It's sucked up the water and fully wet. Huhuhu. But we didn't have another choice and wore our raincoat, so that we kicked that long road again.

Because I'm so bad at memorising our way back home, we almost got lost, but fortunately it didn't happen. Hehehe. Yeah, it's raining so hard at Semarang to Ungaran. Both of us were freezing because  of the cold, but we had to passed all of those circumstances so that we arrive at Jogja. The time was tickling so slow, that I wondered how about staying up at my house first then we go to Jogja again the day after. But, that's just in my mind, we kept on hitting the road to go back to that city, Jogja. 


Yups. Around the road Ambarawa-Magelang, there were a lot of trucks and bus that brought us an 'aarrrghh'. Huft. And what made it worse was the rain. It hit our body and mind harshly. Huhuhuhu. But around Secang when the chill was hitting my climax point, it gave me pain in my chest. But I couldn't tell him, afraid that he would be worried. 

Aroun Secang-Magelang, the rain almost stopped, but it rained even harder at Artoz area, which made us to rest for a while at the convenience store. I bought sandwich, mineral water and pain relief 'Salonpas'. I sat at the chair, ate my sandwich and my meds. So long after that I put 4 patch of Salonpas and put it on my body. Ouugh the hot feeling couldn't win the chill of cold. Breeze. Huhuhu. But after a while, fortunately, i felt that hot and warm feeling, like being hold and calm down. Huuuff.

But, took that rest make us feel colder than before. Huhuhuhu. I was in silence because it's like killing me softly and slowly. Uughh. But Thank God, that Salonpas gave me strength to conquer the chills, though a little, but it helped, a lot.

Magelang-Muntilan and finalyeeeehhh JOGJAH!!!! After that long awaited moment, touched down Jogja. Though it's still cold, but at least it would only take a little time to go to my own bed. Huft. We decided to eat a very hot dinner 'Bakmi Rebus' hahahaha. Yeah, actually it passed our meal's time but we need that hot feeling, hoping it would make us warmer. 

And at that time, that night, we, I mean, I decided to make a conclusion which I have to drive a car, again. Be brave, challenge that bumpy road, so that we would go anywhere with a safe feeling.

But at the end of that day, I smile at myself, looking at my phone's chat and tell him unspokenly.

"I want to help you, I want to take out my hands and grab yours, make our wishes come true. You don't have to face it alone. And.. my wishes, my worries, or my prays for you let me keep it till you rise up once again. I'll wait you. Catch me up soon"


Faithfully,


Insani Zulfa


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Yes, I am

I'm just gonna be realistic right now. And, all of the things that I want to tell you is none other than "depend only on yourself and nobody else". It's a sentence which derive from "for you, from you, and because of you". In this world, there are so much mean things that will happen towards you, but there will be such nice things that will happen towards you. It's all about the up and down of life. We as a human being tend to be 'very happy' when it comes to 'all of your works are paid off' but it will be like 'nightmares' when things don't go well. Yes, it's like basic instinct. And we have emotion, that we couldn't help it but release it maybe with anger, silence, or maybe tears. But, from those things we can learn from the good one and even the bad one, so that we can make wiser decision later. 

But, as long as it takes ages, you won't have any rage, silence, and tears that much again. It's like you've met your climax point. When you, as yourself and for yourself, can't get any help from anyone but from your own. You have to rise up, even though alone. But, when you've finally passed it. That kind of feeling "the joy feelings, you can't help but you will be tougher, stronger, and happier. Tougher, because you realize that you can overcome those difficulties with your own strength. Stronger, because just by yourself, the issues can be solved. And be Happier, because all of those hard feelings finally can be paid off. 

I'm not talking like I always be that kind of girl. But, what I'm talking is I'm at the point that I just can believe and trust myself. Maybe in the past or till now, I just face a lot of those difficulties, till I can't take all of those in my brain and make my heart burst out. Like sometimes, I'm gonna cry and make my chubby cheeks go even chubbier because of all of the swollen face. I believe in myself, do the things for myself, and get my payment for myself. It's like what I'm doing and what I want to do, only me who know that. I'm at the point that talking to someone else make me think twice, because it may give them burden or simply I just don't want to hear their suggestion. Because it's me and sometimes suggestions only give me hard feelings and headache. Because, sometimes they give their suggestion based on their personality. And I'm not the same. Or, they give me their suggestions but they never do the works like what they said. 

Yes, I am. I am very stubborn person. I am very ambitious person. And I always give my everything to get something that I want the most. Though it may give me pain, make me suffer, losing appetite, more introvert, keep in silence, and be in my own world. I don't know why I have those personalities, like keeping me from all of those people that may care for me. But I feel a lot easier when I do my things by myself. Maybe, because I spend my times far from the helps from my parents or my brother or friends. My father once told me, that being a girl doesn't give me a reason to be a dependent woman. If you can do by yourself, then do it. I keep that in my mind, till now. Though, my friends offer hand for me. I just walk straight by my own, do that thing. And sometimes, that's why i'm losing contact with my friends. It's not that I don't care anymore for them but I don't want to give the burden.

Yes, maybe I want a lot of things as a girl, as a human being. I have a lot of demand for myself. And yes, sometimes it's hard living a life like that. Sometimes, you want to lean on someone. But, later while I'm doing things like that, I realize again. That it's not good to become such a cry and spoil girl like that. And a while back, a man from the past told me that being a girl, being a woman, sometimes you have to show that kind of character, letting your man do your things, and not closing your burdens too much. But, once again I denied that argument, but the funny thing is I'm still close to that man. 

That one man told me, that I'm being so introvert even towards my own family. That I never told anyone about my worries, my difficulties, my problems, and stuffs in my mind. He told me to let my ego down, to let them who care about me, help me. Any help will do. Appreciate them. He also told me that "Zulfa, don't live a life like you are the only one that live. You always give helps towards people beside you. You never say 'love' but you do the 'action'. And it's simple, let them give their owe towards you. Let them, ride along with them". Yes, I always remember those times, he told me to lean over him, but I never did that. He let me cry beside him if I want to, but I never did that. I was just showing my meticulous side, my strong side, hide my weakest side though he knew it. Until now, with our little chat, sometimes I'm giggling to myself. I can't forget you, not the feeling but the learning. You teach me something that I have take those as notes till now. 

Yes, I am. I'll try to open my heart. To let someone help me. To reach me. But as far as I'm concerned, I will do my best too. Doing my very best along with the people that care about me.


Regards,


Insani Zulfa

Friday, February 13, 2015

Back at One

It's undeniable, that I could pass that exam. It's unbelievable how I should do my best to pass those continuous exam.
It's so incredible the way things work out. And all emotional feeling, once I know what it's all about. And the undesirable feeling to face the failure. So, that's why I should do better this time, giving my best on those, pray for it and face anything with confidence. 


Because, in this february.


One, you are like a dream come true
Two, just wanna get you
Three, you, it's incredible thing to achieve
Four, pray for its best
Five, make you go in my palm, my grasp
I'll reach it for sure


For all my nice readers, I hope that I can fulfill my ambition and get new experience abroad. And in my endless time, I ask one more thing to Alloh SWT that I hope I can get my scholarship, study abroad, and learn more and more so that I can be wiser, brighter, and smarter.

Yours faithfully,

Insani Zulfa



Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The smiles :)

Have you ever been smile though your heart is aching? Have you ever been burst out in laugh though your brain is in pain? Sometimes, all you need to do is emptying your mind, let it out for some moments, inhale some fresh air, it helps a lot. But sometimes, all of those couldn't cool down your anger, sadness, or worries. Because sometimes, a reflection will make you think and go down deeper. Deeper, then what you have expected. 

And finally, I will always say thank to Alloh for giving me a lot of friends. May, some of them don't understand my situation. May, some of them understand my situation but pretending not knowing the situation in order to comfort me. May, some of them understand and stand beside me, whatever it costs though I didn't ask for it. I'm grateful. Really grateful. 

The smiles that you can't buy it with money. The smiles that you won't forget. I have some "smile" moments that I won't forget in my entire life. For some moments I remember this clearly. Just say it, someone, with his arrogant and cunning smile can make me feel at my peace because he knows how to make my days from "damn plain simple" into "fucking awesome. Don't you get it? It's not how long you spend your time with someone or how much money you waste to hang out around. But its matter is, how they are spending time with you sincerely. Because it's not something big or small. It's how they can play your heart. How they can ride along with you. Together.

Because friendship is a million little things

Regards,

Insani Zulfa 

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The Ideal Man

Hello, readers. I'm in a good mood right now, so I'll post about something funny, weird, but true story. For some moments, let's not discuss about miserable life and self-reflection. Let's being wild!!

Okay. So, I believe that some of you must have experience about "love". I'm not talking about love, but I want to talk about the person that we have to get interact when we do the love things. I, you, we, all of us must have standard or maybe kind of man that we want to get close. Yeah, something like that. And I don't know, but based on my experiences. I had so much difference standard in each times of ages. So, should I say that growing older will make you look further and wider.


  • TEENAGERS
It comes when you are around fifteen to seventeen, maybe. In late junior high school period or in senior high school period. At this age, girls usually tend to look over appearance rather than the man's personality. They think that a good looking man will make her special and she will be very proud of her man. Besides that, girls at this age usually look over his hobby, especially when the man know something about art or music. It will give man a bonus mark. Because the girl will brag about how good her man when he plays the instruments. Teenage girls usually like to gossip, they tend to speak out loud about what they like, what they have, and what they want to have. It's such a clear answer that they haven't looked for man's personality, maybe some of them do but it's only a few. 

  • LATE TEEN
In this period of time, when the ages come around eighteen up to twenty two. It's around college's time. They grow into more mature and wiser. They want all of good criteria. They want man with the looks and the personality. It's like a win-win solution. They want the "it boy" looks but "it man" personality. Yeah, how cunning they are. But here are my explanations. Girl around that age still has pride that high like a mountain, she wants to brag how handsome or how good-looking her man but at the same time she wants nice personality, kind-hearted, honest person because she likes to be watching close and feeling like a queen around her best-man. Girl around this age tends to spend out her money on buying stuffs to make her more beautiful, doll up her face, wear high heels, use dresses, and talks gracefully. They tend to keep her image like a princess and trust me they will go on diet and just waiting his man eating [while actually her main reason why she goes on diet is because she lost too much money on buying on those things]. Besides, girls on this age will tend to look man that opposites her character. They think each personalities will melt into one and their bond will last forever.

  • LADY
From age twenty three until twenty eight [PS: I'll take it as my point of view, no offense. Maybe some of you will take the age up to twenty five only] . This age, the "it girl" is turning into "it girl", they'll change their minds. They'll look over personality first than the appearance. They'll look over his brain first over his body. And some of them, will look over the man's income first. It's not that her income is higher or lower than the man, but she wants a reliable person. After all, man should lead the family and yes it's his duty giving money to his family later. Girls seek personality because they want to keep calm, they want to be at peace, they want man that can let go his ego for the sake of their bond. The relationship. Girls seek his brain because every man can make her pregnant, but not all of man know the "know-how" to lead and teach his family. And of course personality, will win the "in-laws". Around this age, they also tend to look man which has similar personalities, almost same background, almost same past, and older man. They think the "almost-thing" will make the relationship grows easier and better. And around this age, they tend to look over man that will be her spouse. So, personalities win and take it all. But relationship around this age is wiser, because each person already have experiences. So they will reflect their selves into their past and look over the other's feeling first to overcome their problems. And there is high possibilities that this kind of bond that will lead into marriage.

I can only talk about these much, because I'm still lack in experiences too. I'm just looking around at those age. Because the older woman gets, she will think differently. She will think more about others and step aside from the individual things.

It's not that those are references that girls around that age are like that. It's only my point of view, and maybe it's not most of them. Building a relationship is not an easy task, it really needs heart. Not only love, but each person has to try understand, not being each's best but trying each's best, not using words only but use action instead. After all, my suggestion is build a relationship that your heart is in it. Keeping faith in your partner as you keep your faith on your own. Build your relationship with both of hearts not only you and not only him. Talk and discuss about your bond together, make a wise decision which both of you agree. 


Regards,

Insani Zulfa

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Runaway

I'm trying hard to smile, to laugh, and moreover to think. Think, Insani! Think! It isn't hard, is it? 

Over two weeks, I feel that I used my energy too much, it's too much until I forgot "Ah, what the hell, I still have so much energy left" that kind of thinking actually helped a lot to reach our goals but after all the body couldn't lie. Although, I keep telling myself that I'm fine and I'm okay, but the action showed the differences. The body and soul couldn't get synergy together. My mind told to do so but the nerves commanded in different ways. I couldn't explain why my energy got so wasted lately. I'm actually fine if I was depleted energy because of something that use my physics. But, I don't know why either, but if the matter is about psychology, I surrender and I feel that my brain is so useless right now. And all the tears had already dried up. I couldn't even cry and that lead to the sleepless night. OMG!

May some people know about my situation, may some people take me to this uncomfortable zone. May some people are trying to help me overcome this situation by stand beside me or may some people are trying to get me out of this hell. 

People won't hope anything like this, who wants this kind of situation? It's holy crap! Because I feel that after I overcome one kind of situation, there will be another pain, another distorted mind. It's like rubbing a salt in the almost-recovery wound. It's not yet closed but it has to be opened again. Open by force, and it's not nice. At all. 

After all this time, all I keep trying to do is understanding my position, situation, more and more, tougher and tougher.
Be grateful, Insani, you can get beautiful learning from these pain. Be a blissful person and make a wiser decision. Lead the way, and just do it! Bear it, and keep walking forward!

don't stay but go,

Insani Zulfa 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

If your heart is not in it

It's like "tell me something i don't know part 2".

I don't know.
I don't know.
And
I don't know.

Do u know why i put you such in low expectation, dear?
Don't u understand that you give me thousand things that i couldn't explain?
Don't u get it why i want to chase you wherever you might be?

It's not that your standard is low or below my ideal man. It's just me who wants to put any man into that kind of expectation. After the third times, i just learnt that i couldn't give you much room in my heart. Because i can't give you any promises to make you happy and do anything for you.
But.

After all of my actions that I did for you, don't u know that i feel you're my safest place to land? But if it gives you burdens, then i'll step back. If i'm here, around you, gives you hard time to think or to make any decision with your past. Please, just let me know. I'm not gonna hate you with all of that. I'm just, I just want to know if there'll be such ending. If it's hard to let you go and move on from you, I'll try even harder so that I won't interfere your relationship with anyone.

And you are such a bright man that open up my views. With your capability, knowledge, and spirit. You give me another thousand reasons to fight for my dreams. For some times, you give me place to let my brain rest. For some times, you give me hug to push away my worries. I will not forget about those times, dear. And I still want to chase you even with my weakness and my tough personality.

And

I'm sorry. Maybe I'm
Too much
And i couldn't make you feel like home anymore.
I can't stand on my feet now, I can't fake my heartache any longer, and I can't think with my clear mind.

So...
Do u want to step aside, dear?

My sleepless night,

Z

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Kimi Ni Todoke

Hello, 2015! ☺


May this year will be more impressive than years before and many more better things happen in this year.

Problems, issues, and stress may come more and more in this year and the following years, but solutions, options, chances, and spirit which never die will overcome all of those situations. Those problems will come near us so that we can seek opportunities. And as time goes by, we will understand about the world, we will think more clearly, we will understand other's point of view, and of course we will understand the unhappy things calmly, let it go, take another road, and rise up again. Those are actually my resolution for this year. 

"Stay calm, be open minded, chase my master's program abroad this year, penny wise, be more educated, get money"

All I want to chase right now is my career, and all I want to fight for right now is my career. The career that I want to pursue is my childhood's dream. I still remember when my teacher at elementary school asked me that question "What do you want to do in the future? The job?" and I answered it "I want to be a teacher, I mean I want to be a college teacher, a lecturer. I think that job will suit me well". And here I am, I have this title now "fresh-graduate" and still trying to make that dream comes true. I'm still looking for the ways and making some stuffs to let me be "lecturer" who teach and share knowledge, networking, and information to all of parties in this world. It's nice, isn't it? The path that I'll take to reach it may be hard or twisted but there will be options and chances to be offered to me. I don't want to give up my dreams, I'll fight for it, and I'm sure I can grab it and fulfill it this year. I believe in myself.


You have to smile whatever the pain that you may get, because you're beautiful
You have to rise up whatever the downfall that you may have, because you're amazing
You have to stand up wherever you may be, because you're strong
You have to make the solutions whenever you face problems, because you're smart
You have to keep the faith whenever bad scenarios drop by, because you're tough
You have to get up, rise up, and make up every day, every time, every minute, and every second, because you're a lucky person
stay pretty, stay calm, be an amazing person, be strong, be tough, educated well, get blessed
You're the only you, you can make the changes, 
You can reach your dreams and make them to be reality


Kimi ni todoke, words from me to you, "you"it's me. The words that will pump up my spirits so that I can wake up from the dreams and make it happen. I believe and I also believe that Alloh will help me get through this. Get, set, ready, and go!


Regards,


Insani Hubi Zulfa